1) Alternate Careers…
———Design, educate and build natural resource housing for developing countries.
———Horticulturist by morning/motorcycle mechanic by afternoon/city planner by night/ art critic by candlelight.
———Bohemian columnist for a travel magazine.
———Communications specialist for a non-profit.
———Some sort of online presence that would generate $$$.
———Own a book shop/hostel/some sort of funky business in some sort of funky town.
2) Adam Sandler Movies…
———The Wedding Singer
3) Obscure ways of saying something’s awesome…
———That’s downright schmick my brother!
———Right-o ol’ chap, that’s lovely jubbly!
———That’s better than 3 black cats sunning themselves on a pool deck on a summer Sunday afternoon!
———Holy Shnikeys das good!
4) Reasons I might wake up on a submarine headed for Morocco…
———Join the league deep club.
———The captain was in need of more seamen.
———For the hot uniforms.
———I was partying with a Navy captain in Portugal and next thing I knew I was married and on my way to become a Moroccan house wife.
———My kidnappers didn’t use enough chloroform.
———I didn’t use enough chloroform and the person I kidnapped started screaming, interrupting my peaceful sleep.
5) Reasons I might be wearing a mesh tank top…
———It’s Mardi Gras (somewhere).
———I was bet 1 million Vietnamese Dong.
———I just got off a submarine in Morocco and my maid hasn’t done my laundry yet.
———It’s the year 2059 and global warming has heated the earth to the point where any clothing makes humans overheat. My mesh tank top is necessary.
———It’s the only thing that matches my fish-net stockings.
6) Things to do while I poop…
———Work on my bathroom poetry in my series Toiletry.
———Carve glory holes in the partition.
———Check the walls for cracks.
———Read the back of shampoo bottles.
———Inspect my nails.
7) Reasons a giraffe might be chasing me through the streets of Ho Chi Minh City…
———I stole her daughter from the zoo to get a better view of the city.
———I made a “you’re neck is so big joke” that didn’t fly.
———I shortchanged her on a giraffe ride.
———I assisted on a Saigon zoo animal escape and once the giraffes got a taste of freedom they turned on me.
———I stole his mesh tank top.
———I broke the news that I wasn’t his real mom.
8) Things I like about my mom…
———She’s fucking funny!
———She lets me stay up past my bedtime.
———She’s better than your mom.
———She knows where EVERY little thing in the house is. If it’s lost – ask mom, she’ll know. She keeps me organized.
———Her blue “smurf suit” – and the fact that she calls it her blue smurf suit.
———She is open to anything – even late night drunken “boat trips” with the family down the street to visit neighbours.
9) Favourite jokes to tell…
———A little Jewish boy runs up to his father and says “Daddy… Daddy… Can I borrow 5 dollars? The father replied “4 dollars? What do you need 3 dollars for?”
———There is a bear and a rabbit in the woods. And the bear looks over to the rabbit and says “Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit replied “Why no!” So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
———There’s a guy about to go out golfing by himself, when the marshal pairs him up with a woman. By the end of the round the woman beat him by 5 strokes. Feeling a little down, and thinking to himself “I can’t believe I lost to a woman” she took him back to her car and gave him a blowjob. This seemed to brighten his spirits and the two scheduled to play golf later that week. This time she beat him by 7 strokes. Feeling shitty, she once again took him back to her car and gave him a blowjob. Well the two of them went out golfing a few more times and each time she beat him, she would take him back to her car and give him a blowjob. Well after spending a bunch of time together they started to have a little bit of a relationship, and while he was over at her house one night making out, she stopped and said, “Before we go any further, I have to be honest with you! I’m not really a woman…. I am a man!” The guy pushed her off of him and shot up and shouted “WHAT!!! You mean you’ve been hitting from the ladies tee’s all week!”
———A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Excuse me sir, are you aware you have a ship’s steering wheel in your pants?” to which the pirate replies, “Yarrrr it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
———A local newspaper ran a joke contest. Ten friends got together and submitted ten puns to the contest in hopes of winning the prize, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
———What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? “Oh look! Donut seeds!”
10) Things to do as a senior citizen…
———Finally get away with being creepy.
———Move to Thailand and date a woman 1/4 my age.
———Have an excuse to pop pills!
———Skip to the front of lines.
———Play Bingo all…the…time.
———Be a crazy old cat lady.
Have a “Top Three” question for us? Ask away in the comments section & we’ll answer!