This is meant to be a constructional piece so I’d like to apologize first off for the harsh tone. I will speak verbatim only to express my real feelings and not just to berate, but to educate for the purpose of her furthering success. If I let this slide, my neglect and avoidance of garish remarks, could cost this poor woman her business. So lets get to this ol’ kook already.
Let me paint the picture for you. Katie and I, were loaded with both back & front packs. Our lives loading us down, weighing on our shoulders. The hour was 11am. The sun was baking our bodies, and not just at the moment, but for the entire hike across the island – a feat we completed to save money on either boat or tuk tuk fair. So for the past 30 minutes we had been baking in the sun. Although it was still remained enjoyable.
There we two ways to cross the island; the shaded waterfront path and the rocky shade-less path. We guessed wrong. But we made it across the beautiful island and made it to the beginning of town, the suburbs as Donno refers to it as. With about one minute logged into the suburbs, this silver haired Nashville name-dropping woman crosses our path and quickly jams up our motion.
“Well helloo there” she sings “is this your first time here now?
We nod and say something quirky like yes, which was our first mistake.
“It sure is hot today, so why don’t we move this conversation into the shade” Donno says as she scoops us up like lost little kittens.
“OK so let me help you get your bearings. Right here is what we consider the suburbs” she says slow and drawn out “ Now from here to the other side of the island there are only 13 bungalows. Yep only 13. So you know what that means?” she says rhetorically “There’s lots of space around these bungalows. It’s nice and quiet you see…but once you start making your way north…well that’s where the party starts, and its just back to back to back bungalows.” she says with a snarl. A snarl that she has acquired from drifting interest in her bungalows… but what I really suspect is that she just over-talks people away.
“This side of the island is more peaceful now, and you get to take in the local life. Well, we’ve been coming here since 2007” she says without us asking “…and we came for a few months of the year, and then we came back for a bit longer, and then longer, until three years ago when we moved down here for good. And let me tell you, its been great. And would you guess what?”
“What’s that? We feign being young and polite
“We have the nicest bathrooms in all of asia…yes we do. Come with me and ill show you” she says dragging us even further.
This could have been our out but we were sucked into her vortex. So we followed her along a walkway and then around the corner of a building to a row of open stalls
with soaking wet seats and no covers. That was my first sight before she chimed in…or registered back in my ears.
“Look at these here! These are the nicest bathrooms in all of Asia” she says oddly proud. Inside the open stalls were full cartoon murals of the sea if you were on acid and actually hung out with Ariel from Little Mermaid, but aside from the paintings they were just nasty washrooms…and a fucking hassle to get to, having to walk around a corner and shit…
“…now look here” she says pointing to a quote inside a bubble painted beside a smiling cartoon fish “Don’t drink the water because it all comes from the Mekong”
I thought she said this was the best washroom ever… I’ve been to better washrooms with feces smeared on the seat.
“OK, how much are your rooms?” Katie asks getting to the only question we cared about.
“Now our bungalows are 30,00 and they look right out onto the Mekong here. Come right with me and ill show you”
Oh dear God, if we have to follow this woman one more time I’m gonna shit! She walks us some stairs and opens up the door to a wicker cubicle with a shit bed and musty smell.
“we could open up the windows to let the smell out” I whisper to Katie, who looks back at me like I’m crazy.
Really what was I thinking. It would be impossible to stay here constantly void of this clucking hen of a woman. We had to go. And immediately.
As we pull away a bit, we thank her for her time, but insist we want to check out further of the island to get our bearing before settling on a room. There’s nothing she can do, so she accepts, but not without trying to lure us in one more time.
“We’ll you have to check out our menu. Inside we have tons of facts about the island…like why they cut the cats tails off. And we have a map of the island that you can take a picture of.”
We cringe as she grips us by the coattails and drags us into the open-aired restaurant to peek at her menu.
“Here is a picture of the island that has everything you’ll need to know.” I look down at an 8 by 11 sheet Xerox of the two islands, and it literally has an oversized star around her guesthouse and at the north tip it says party and internet central.
This was all we needed to know about the island? Ahh I hate this woman. Not hate…but hate…you know. It is perhaps the most useless map I have ever seen. More useless than a map to a Neo-Nazi rally.
Before we left she informed us that “they sell these little key chains with a flashlight on the other end of the island for $.60 and over here we sell them for $.30”
Well that’s good because if I ever want to buy one to beat her with, I can do so at a 50% discount.
We walked down from the restaurant steps as she cliché-ingly shouted out to us “yawl come back now ya here.” It stung our ears as we hurried off; fully clenching our jaws and furrowing our nostrils until we got out of her sight to curse this woman up and down.
“Did she not see that we have huge backpacks on?”
“I know!! And she called that the nicest washroom… that was a dump.”
“Such shit and around the corner.”
“I cant believe that woman…she doesn’t get it? Who talks that long without acknowledging that we’re weighted down. And even after we told her we walked the whole island. She didn’t even miss a beat.”
“No respect. All she thought about was herself”
“…and the way she put down the other side of the island.”
“That’s the reason we came here anyways. To be a little more immersed with a fun crowd.”
“I wonder how she fairs with the locals on the island? ”
“OMG! I think she just ruined yawl come back now ya hear for me!”
We kept on walking and eventually made it into town where we met another crazy man who followed us for a while, and mistakenly took us for people leaving the island over just arriving. He asked us if we knew a beautiful woman Roseanne or something American. We assured him once again that we just got here. He finally understood with one of those AWWW ENLIGHTENING MOMENTS and then he gave us a heads up not to stay in room #2 at Melina’s because he just had sex in there with her. Which I thought was very nice of him, aside from me not wanted to see or talk to him anymore. He had a very dark & drunk & weathered exterior. He told us he’d been coming to Don Det for the last 5 years. And Katie and I could totally tell by the way it had aged him. We thanked him and carried on eventually finding a bungalow with a much nicer, and en-suite bathroom. Suck it Donno!